“It is important to know what words can sting and what words can heal to a family who has experienced a loss of a child. In other words, it is important to know what to say after miscarriage or stillbirth.”
It is important to know what words can sting or help to heal a family who has experienced the loss of a child. In other words, it is important to know what to say after miscarriage or stillbirth. Interactions that you have with those going through a traumatic season can have a long-lasting impact. You can have all the right intentions but end up hurting someone and not even realize it. I am by no means an “expert” but I have almost heard it all and thought of some helpful conversation guidelines as you try to comfort friends around you.
What not to say:
“It’s okay you can try again” – This statement can be defeating for a couple who maybe have had a long season of trying before becoming pregnant. On the other hand, a couple who have just experienced loss is still grieving a child they will never get to raise and getting pregnant again seems scary and emotionally challenging right now. “Trying again” is very personal and there can be medical guidelines around it that are also painful. It is better to not comment on a couple having another baby.
Instead say:
”I am sorry for the loss of your child, I am thinking about you in this season of grief.” This statement adds validity to their loss and acknowledges that it takes time to recover from their experience.
What not to say:
“At least you have (insert name of other children here)” – To most parents, this will sound like “you should be grateful you have a living child.” Directly speaking, no human can take the place of another. Although you are reminding them of a great blessing, they can feel upset that you are trying to replace the loss with what they already have. Also, many parents can feel burdened by another child’s needs, wants and demand as they are emotionally recovering from a loss of a child.
Instead say:
“I am so sorry that your child doesn’t get to experience this sibling, what can I do for your child to help in this difficult time?” People with children need help. Can I get an Amen?! Especially during a rough season. Offering help will ensure the family that you know their other child still has needs and that in this time it can feel overwhelming.
What not to say:
“Maybe there is a reason” This is very cliche, can come off impersonal and the receiver may assume a hidden meaning behind it. Do not try to justify a terrible thing that has happened. You don’t know the reason, so it is best not to imply they should know either.
Instead say:
“I am sorry something so sad has happened to you and your family.” By recognizing their emotions and trauma you have given them space where they can feel safe to talk about what they have experienced or just take the kind words to heart.
To those who have experienced words that have hurt instead of helped – know you are not alone. Know that most people have no idea what to say and have good intentions that come out wrong to a hurting person. It is important to correct someone if they say something that goes against how you truly feel or your beliefs in a respectful way. Claim what you feel and know about your experience to help them better understand you. Although the damage has been done, we can help direct those people to be more tactful and helpful in difficult and sad situations.
The conversations aren’t easy and it is hard to get the right words for communicating what you are trying to say. Say Something! Do Something! Thanks for reading this blog on what to say after miscarriage.
What things did people say to you after your loss? Comment below or send me an email with what was said to you.
haley@thefletcherfoundation.org
For some ideas around what to do, (as opposed to what to say) check out this post.
- What to say after Miscarriage - December 19, 2018
