When dealing with grief or any type of loss, the thought of what happens next is guaranteed to cross your mind. How do I continue after this? How am I going to live without this person? Ultimately, what is next? What are the ways to deal with loss? I know these are all questions that I thought about. I know I didn’t have all the answers as nothing can prepare you to hold your 20-week stillborn child in your arms. 

Our son Fletcher was perfect, all 10.2 ounces of him. Born with 10 fingers, 10 toes and the darkest, most perfect eyebrows your will ever see. I can remember holding him and those precious moments like it was yesterday. I remember every detail. I remember each nurse.

How can you forget, right? Each loss is similar in how it ends, without the baby that you wanted and couldn’t take home. We wanted and prayed for Fletcher every single day and we never thought the day would come where we would be holding him like this.

How do you process a loss when you weren’t prepared for it? How do you carry your wife through heartbreak to this magnitude? I don’t have all of those answers and honestly looking back, I failed at times. There are a few things that I did that I would like to pass along to the parents or dads out there that can hopefully help them out on their journey. Even if it is just a little.

Ways to deal with loss #1. Do Something – Get away

We didn’t have anything planned obviously due to the sudden, unexpected loss. My wife had a great idea which I would recommend to everyone. It can be big or small but take a little trip and get out of your normal routine for a few days. The reason that this was so helpful to me, is because it helped me clear my mind and start to process some of the emotions and feelings of the tragedy that had taken place just days previous.

We took a trip to a familiar spot of ours in Northern Minnesota near Duluth. Living in Iowa, we made the 3 hour drive to Minnesota to drop our son off at his grandparents, and continued a couple more hours north to our final destination. We didn’t have anything planned. We simply enjoyed each others company and were just present for each other. It doesn’t have to be crazy or anything expensive, just get out of your routine in some way.

Ways to Deal with Loss #2. Listen

Honestly, this isn’t my strength. I could have done much better at this after we lost Fletcher. I have the type of personality to take charge and give direction. I failed at having conversations with people around me and most importantly my wife. I isolated myself from friends and family and tried to muscle through the emotion and pain.

Even as I write this, I reflect on some of the things I said or did that didn’t make any sense in the circumstances. I remember wanting to back to work just a couple of days after and get back into my routine (see point 1.) I would strongly encourage you to simply be with our spouse. Listen to them when they talk and they may need you to be there to help them with their emotions. Don’t be as selfish as I was. Please remember there are 2 of you that are feeling this loss. It is not just you that hurts deeply.

Ways to Deal With Loss #3. Talk and feel

Honestly, this one took me a while. I am not much of a feeler or a talker. I don’t do a good job of expressing my grief or emotions. I didn’t cry much when it happened. I don’t know if I needed to appear strong or again, just wouldn’t let myself feel the emotions. The following summer (we lost our son, Fletcher, in the fall), I remember sitting on the deck after mowing the yard with my son who was 2 at the time. I lost it. I don’t know why but that is the moment that broke me. I think it was the thought of, “If Fletcher was living, he would be out here doing this with us too.” 

My advice here is that if you have emotions or feelings, express them. People around you, especially your spouse, need to hear them. Your feeling and thoughts aren’t a burden and it is okay to feel all of the things from anger to straight pain.

Be kind to yourself and your spouse and I promise that you will get through this chapter in your journey.

Everyone’s grief journey is different. It is not the same journey for everyone. You are going to feel at different times than your spouse or other nearby family members. THAT IS OK. You aren’t wrong. Be kind to yourself and your spouse and I promise you will get through this chapter in your journey.

What’s next? What now? Where do we go from here? I wish that I had those answers for you. There are so many different ways to deal with loss. All I know is that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe these 3 things will help and maybe they won’t. Maybe you are past the beginning stages of your loss and you are a master at these things. That is okay. We are all bound together by something that some people will never feel. We are in this together and I am with you, we are all walking in this pain together. The pain doesn’t leave, it is just different.