It took my husband and me about 8 months to conceive our first child. We finally got a positive pregnancy test on June 12, 2019! Oh, the joy I felt in my heart that day!
Everything about my pregnancy was going very well. Every check-up I had was another pat on the back. Baby girl was growing and was healthy.
The bigger I became, the more (I believe) my husband realized a new responsibility was on the way. He left me on November 1, 2019; I was in my 7th month of pregnancy. With none of my own family around in snowy Minnesota, I packed all of my belongings and moved my pregnant self to California (which was home prior to me getting married). By January 2020 (approaching my 9th month of pregnancy) I had successfully transferred about 90% of my life back to CA. My new doctors in CA reassured me that my baby girl was still doing incredibly well in the womb. By the second week of February, I had everything ready for the arrival of my baby girl, Eva Jiselle…
I noticed blood on February 20, 2020, and instantly thought I was in labor. Completely excited and ready to meet my little girl, I called my mother and she rushed me to the hospital. Upon arrival, I was immediately admitted and asked to change my clothes. The nurse had me sit on the bed and attempted to find Eva’s heartbeat….. she frantically moved the monitor around left, right, up, and down… no sound! I thought for sure the monitor was broken. The nurse then looked at me and said she would be back with the doctor. Minutes felt like hours as we waited for the doctor to come in. My doctor had a tear in her eye as she announced:
“Natasha, I’m so sorry. This is stillbirth.”
I didn’t cry, I didn’t scream. I just sat there in utter shock. How? Why? When? My last check-up had been just 3 days prior! I had BEGGED to be induced but was denied. I left that last check-up with the reassurance that EVA WAS PERFECT! I wanted to be angry and find someone or something to blame, but I didn’t have time for that…. my mind was racing as my doctor continued to speak to me…. I didn’t hear much of what she was saying until I asked, “OK, so what now?!”
“Well, now you have to have her.”
“Wait, what?! You guys can’t just remove her from my body? You want me to endure the entire labor experience without the expectation of hearing my baby cry?…. FINE! Let’s do this! GIVE ME THE STRONGEST DRUGS YOU HAVE. At this point, I don’t even care if they kill me. Eva’s not alive so I don’t want to feel ANYTHING!”
I was then induced. They expected it would take a minimum of 12 hrs for labor to begin but my body was ready after 10 hours. (They should have just induced me 4 days prior like I had begged them!) Because Eva’s head started crowning before they expected I never got the epidural they had promised. She was crowning, I was in an enormous amount of pain, and my nurse told me I had to push. I was terrified…. not only of the pain…. but pushing her out would truly mean my pregnancy was over and that I would give death to my daughter…..
I had no one in the room with me besides my one doctor and 2 nurses. My mother and brother were just outside of the room. My head nurse calmed me enough to help me find my inner strength. I then gave one big push….. her head…. I waited for another contraction and gave a second bigger push…. her body. I did it! No sounds afterward….. just complete sadness that EVERYONE in the room felt. My poor, dead baby, delivered on February 21, 2020 (one day shy of her due date) at 8:24 am. 19inches long, 6 lbs 15 oz. Perfect!
“Would you like her on your chest?”
“Absolutely not! I am not ready to see her.”
“May we bring your Mom and Brother in?”
“Yes, I want my Mom to be the first to hold her first grandchild.”
The story continues to grow in sadness. We planned her funeral.. a month later I got in touch with my husband to break the news to him (he knew when Eva was due but he never called to check on either of us),… my husband and I got a divorce and I began seeking fertility treatment a couple of months later.
I share my story to highlight how unbelievably difficult my motherhood journey has been! Today I am 35 years old, divorced from my husband and I am a bereaved mother. My fertility team has informed me that my fertility is in the low range. There isn’t a bone in my body that has any desire to commit to a romance again. But yet, I badly yearn for the opportunity to mother again. I believe it will be the only way I can truly heal from the heartache of losing my Evita.
I am currently exploring fertility treatment options. The hope of a second pregnancy gives me the courage to move forward. When I share my deepest sorrow with people I pray I’ll eventually share a turning point, away from the sadness, with a joyous, live birth at the end. I was ready for Eva and I am more than ready to now have her brother or sister, my rainbow baby.
Thank you for reading my story. I have a blog that you are also welcome to visit. It contains photos from my wedding and my pregnancy. I plan to write another post very soon; Eva’s one-year Angelversary is coming up!
- Waiting A Lifetime To Meet My Baby - February 14, 2021
