According to the Mayo Clinic 10-20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. Chances are you or someone you know is going to be affect by this devastating statistic. Chances are, they also have been through this and they haven’t told you. It is important to be able to help friends through loss that and be able to walk with them after what they went through.
Some of the questions that go through my mind when I hear of someone around me that is going through or has dealt with a loss of child can be endless. I tend to start at; do they have a community of people that are helping them, how do I support them, what is the most helpful thing to them?
My goal in all of this is to equip you when someone you love has gone through miscarriage or stillbirth.
Before jumping in, in full transparency, my wife and I have never been through miscarriage, so I have been at work with my friends at the Fletcher Foundation to make sure what I write is truly helpful.
One of the first things to note, is you don’t know how it will affect you or your spouse when you have a miscarriage or stillbirth. It is so important to validate that it is a loss of life. Just like if a close friend had a family member pass away, you would be there for them. You would do things like make them some sort of meal or set up a meal train, send a sympathy card, drop off flowers – you would come alongside them.
The same is true for miscarriage or stillbirth. Having friends that validate the person’s loss is valuable and incredibly helpful to their healing. Even more so, a parent’s connection to their child in the womb is something that cannot be put into words. Unless you yourself have walked through it, you will never know. But you can imagine losing someone you loved- a friend or family member and relate to those overwhelming feelings of grief.
Another observation is that there are two individuals who are dealing with the loss. Mom and dad are going to deal with that loss in their own way and through a different timeline. It’s important to remind them to be kind to themselves and to one another. Grief has no clock, the ways in which people process are countless. Supporting them as a couple may look like asking them individually how they are doing as well as together. Having them verbalize their thoughts about the other person grief can create a space of acceptance about how they are dealing with loss.
Tangible ideas to help friends through loss
- Pray for them- it sounds cliché but if you want to move mountains and hearts this is where to start
- Be present. Drive to them. Meet with them.
- Make dinner for their family
- Men feel a lot of pressure during this time to care for their wife- take them out to lunch and ask how they are doing. A lot of men feel lonely in this season. It is incredibly important to support the one who is keeping it all together for the family.
- Many people don’t know what they need after a loss, a few great ideas are to take their kids for a play date and let them rest, mow their lawn, wash their dishes or do their laundry, clean their house or hire someone to help them clean
- A lot of families want to remember the date they lost their child, ask how you can support them in this experience.
- In regards, to the date, write it down so you can check in with them the following year… that will be a hard day.
Miscarriage is a very real issue and one that we all need a community around us to help us when or if this happens to us. If you know of someone that has recently gone through miscarriage, I hope that this will equip you to be amazing support for those who are dealing with the loss. The last way you can help these families in need is to suggest they look into organizations like The Fletcher Foundation who will help them monetarily with hospital bills. There are people and organizations to help carry this heavy burden. Please be a support to those who need you.
- How to Help Friends Through Loss - October 22, 2019
