Last April was an exciting time for me. I had just found out that I was pregnant with my fourth child. The reason I found out was that my daughter Alise (who was 4 years old at the time) kept telling me that I had her baby brother in my tummy. I told her that was not possible. In my mind, I was working out a lot, which made my appetite increase. Alise bothered me for about 2 weeks. One day she said, “My baby brother is in your tummy, why isn’t your tummy big?”

“My baby brother is in your tummy, why isn’t your tummy big?”

We had just lost my husbands grandfather to sepsis and heart failure. I did not expect to be pregnant. One day I gave into my daughter. I purchased a few pregnancy tests. I could not believe it. I was pregnant! My daughter knew all along.

Flash forward to July 24^th, 2018. I was working at a nearby hospital in Minneapolis, MN. I work as a nursing assistant on a Med/Surg and cardiac floor. There was a patient that needed assistance while his family was visiting. My co-worker and I answered his call light. The patient was sitting supine off the side of his bed. I picked his legs up and the other Nursing Assistant had the top part of his body. We counted to three to get his legs back on the bed. The patient thought that we went too fast. His response was to moan out loud and accidentally kick me in the stomach with both of his legs. I kept my pain in and held out until we were done readjusting the patient in bed. As soon as we left the patients room, my cramps increased to what felt like period pains. I proceeded to the bathroom thinking that I had to void. Unfortunately, I had fresh blood and a little clot.

I found a nurse on the floor to let her know what happened. She told me to go call the triage nurse through my OB’s office. I made a phone call at 9:11 p.m. The triage nurse recommended I go home, drink water, and put my feet up. I scheduled an appointment on July 25^th, 2018. The charge nurse made a call to the nurse manager so that I could go home. I was scared, hysterically crying.

The following morning, I had an appointment and an ultrasound. The technician found a small amount of blood on the ultrasound probe. I saw a midwife after she allowed me to go back to work with a 40lb weight restriction. I went back to work on the 28^th and a few days later the bleeding got worse. I made another phone call to the triage nurse. She set up an appointment for July 31^st, 2018 and I had another ultrasound. There was a puddle of blood on the floor after the ultrasound probe was pulled out. I then went into a room with a midwife. I asked her to bring my husband and kids into the room. The midwife put a couple of Q-tips up me to see where the bleeding was coming from. It was too much blood for her. She set up an appointment that same day with a high-risk specialist. The specialist saw a tear between my placenta and the uterine wall on the right side. August was on my left side.

On August 1^st I sent my OB a message telling her how scared I was. Two days later I was admitted to the Mother Birthing Center in St. Paul, MN. I had passed a blood clot the size of my hand. At this point, I knew I was having a little boy. I was starting to lose it. I have three wonderful, healthy girls. This is the little boy I have always longed for. All I could do was pray and hope that God spares me.

All I could do was pray and hope that God spares me.

When I was first admitted to the hospital after my work injury, the nurse gave me a drug test. The drug test was for proper diagnosis of my work injury. Placental abruption isn’t diagnosed until they rule out cocaine use. Other factors that go along with a placental abruption diagnosis is high blood pressure, cigarette smoking, and trauma to the abdomen. I don’t have high blood pressure, nor am I a cigarette smoker…or a drug user. The tear I had was significant. It was a clear indication that I had trauma to my abdomen.

The doctor came in my room and told me that there was a blood clot the size of a golf ball in between my placenta and uterine wall. She basically said that we can only hope that August would survive. He was close to 20 weeks gestation. I was discharged on August 4^th,2018. I reached out to my again OB before I was discharged.

On August 10^th,2018 I was 20 weeks pregnant with August. I had 2 appointments set up that morning. One appointment was with the high-risk specialist and the other was with my OB. My friends’ mom picked me up to drive me and be with me. The specialist saw my contractions through the ultrasound. She stated that she wasn’t going to stop them because I passed the blood clot that they were worried about. She described the contractions like period cramps. It was good to have my blood circulating. The ultrasound tech said August was mad at her because she was trying to get him to move, but he wouldn’t. His knees were to his forehead and his pulse had shot up to 171. He was usually in the 150’s.

After the high-risk doctor appointment, I went to my regular OB. She told me that we were going to stay optimistic. This was the 1^st time I saw my OB.

After leaving my last appointment, my contractions increased. By 7:00 p.m. I felt like I had to pee. I felt pressure and a bunch of fluid that looked like urine and blood came out. Luckily, I was on the toilet. I kept telling myself it was nothing. I waited until Saturday to finally do something. My husband took me to the hospital at 5:30 p.m. I had a feeling August was no longer alive. When we checked in, the nurses tried hard to keep me calm. They only heard my heartbeat…August’s heartbeat was gone.

I had an ultrasound that showed his head down. It was devastating and heartbreaking. My ONLY son was gone. There was no saving him. I was admitted to a hospital room. As soon as we entered the room, I let it all out. I have NEVER felt this much pain and heartache.

I would have my son if I did not lift that patient. I couldn’t take it back. It was all my fault. August stayed inside if me until Sunday. They started the labor at 2:30 p.m. on August 12^th, 2018. He was born at around 6:30 p.m. The nurses didn’t expect another bad outcome. Once I finally pushed August out, I had so much blood loss. I remember getting cold, feeling like I was in a bubble…I even asked my nurse if I was dying. I also remember hearing a nurse ask “Where is the doctor?” ‘Why isn’t he here yet?” I remember the nurse saying 871, 1202…and so on with the blood I was losing. I remember people praying over me before I was taken into the O.R. I remember the doctor telling someone that my blood pressure was 80/60. I asked the doctor, “Why are you putting me under when my blood pressure was so low?” I remember coming out of being intubated. The feeling was painful. I felt like I had a new set of lungs put in. It was hard to breathe when they took the oxygen mask off.

I felt like I was in a nightmare. This couldn’t be real?  As soon as I was brought back into my hospital room, my husband was so sick he could not stay awake. I felt lonely, weak, heartbroken, and pained. My nurse stayed with me until about 1:30 a.m. I cried and cried and cried. He was ripped right out of me. He was supposed to be inside of me. I felt empty…

At 7:30 a.m. on August 13^th, I woke up screaming and crying. My nurse came in before her shift was over. She held me and rocked me until I was able to calm down. My husband was still asleep.

We had so many people in and out of the room before I was discharged. The one person that stood out was a lady that lost her daughter to stillbirth. She came into my room to share her story and she also gave my husband and me 3 teddy bears for our daughters.

Leaving the hospital was hard. I was leaving without my son in my arms. I was leaving feeling empty and sad. I did not feel right.

The 1^st day home I barely said a word. I cried and cried. I was so sad. My daughters were sad. They were mourning the loss of their brother too. The one who took it the hardest was Alise. She knew I was going to give her a baby brother. My poor little girl was and still is grieving the loss of her brother.

I have the best co-worker. They got my family and I a beautiful tree, a plaque with August’s name on it, and a memory bench. We had a funeral on our farm and buried most of his ashes with the tree. My nurses from the Mother Birthing Center came to his funeral. They have stayed in touch with me throughout the year. They have been so supportive and loving. I think what has helped me along the way is my support system at work, outside of work, and the therapy I went through to grieve without losing myself. I am on a low dose of Zoloft to help with my PTSD, anxiety, and postpartum depression. It seems to help me on my lowest days.

I am currently pregnant with a little girl. I was pregnant 3 months after losing August. Her due date is on August 28^th, 2019. The day before my birthday. I think August wanted to give me the best gift I have ever had. I get to almost share a birthday with my rainbow baby.

I’m sure it’ll be hard for me in August. He would be 1 year old on August 12^th. He will always be celebrated and talked about. “My son, my baby, he will always be. “